So I’m a blog reader – one might even call me addicted & I'd likely not deny it. It’s my guilty pleasure to peek into the innermost thoughts of other people in similar situations & live vicariously alongside them in their journey. It doesn’t matter that I don’t know most of these people, I can relate to them at times on more levels than I can some of my friends in real life. As much as blogging may be therapeutic for bloggers, sometimes reading those blogs is equally as therapeutic for me. I’m not a writer so I love it when others just put into words what I’ve been feeling in a way that I couldn’t eloquently express. It makes my thoughts & feelings seem somewhat normal. Why not take the plunge & attempt to write my own? Just maybe there's one or two of you out there who are interested in my innermost ramblings or want an update on some of our journeys more than a facebook status update will allow.
My blog is one that involves how our journey to parenthood has led us to become a 'family'. I call it a "family by love" because it's not only blood & genetics that make us the family we are & the family we are becoming. On the outside, my family looks like any other family. We’re late 20-somethings, college sweethearts married for almost 7 years, and raising our 20 month old daughter together. I happily let thoughts of being a career woman take a back seat to the one job I’ve known I’ve always wanted: Mom. Unfortunately, no one tells you in sex ed that getting that job doesn’t always come as easy as they scare you into thinking it does – especially when you’re a 24-year old newlywed anxious to start a family. We’re the statistic – the 1 in 6 couples – that found themselves wondering why they couldn’t start a family and got slapped with the label “unexplained infertility”. What does that even mean? It means, on paper & by the numbers, everything works when in reality (dare I say in practice), it doesn’t. What it meant for us was years of doctor appointments (3 to be exact), numerous invasive tests, hundreds of shots (given to me by my husband & including some 2 inch intramuscular needles!), dozens of blood tests, 1 3-day hospitalization for overstimulation, 2 failed IVF cycles, 1 successful IVF cycle, 0 embryos making it to freeze, LOTS of disappointment, a bit of cautious hope, and 1 beautiful loved beyond belief daughter born in August of 2009. All details which deserve their own posts in time.
Now we find ourselves on the alleged 'other side' of infertility – though I’m not sure we crossed some magical bridge when we took our daugther home. The pain & grief that comes with infertility hasn’t really ever gone away, but having our daughter, K, certainly helps shield us from the intensity of what that grief & loss once felt like. At times, I still find myself grieving the loss of hopes and dreams that I selfishly had planned for my life. I love being a mom to my daughter & so much so that I can’t imagine not having my dream of other children to love come true.
Truth be told for as long as we continue to hope & pray for more children, we’re perpetually always crossing a bridge to the ‘other side’ – one that is uncharted, at times lonely, & maybe never ending (not to mention filled with emotional, physical, & monetary costs). With each day that passes, each pregnancy announcement, each well-intentioned but hurtful comment we’ve been told, we learn to cope a little bit better and focus on appreciating what we’ve already been given. In fact, I hope to never forget what it felt like to long for years for our daughter. It can only make me a better mother now - one who doesn’t take the child I’ve been given for granted and who lives to see the world through my children’s eyes as to experience it with them. And what better way to learn compassion for those women still fighting to get to the other side? Especially those who feel they are going at it alone or just starting on their journey.
While I’m still navigating what it means to live on this supposed ‘other side’ of infertility, I want this blog to be a place to chronicle our journey(s) to parenthood, acknowledge my feelings & truth, and allow a space for reflecting on all of the blessings I’ve been given in life. Of course, don't hold it against me if there is the occasional picture or two of a certain little girl who stole our hearts 20 months ago. I know there are greater things to come for my family even if I can’t see those things in sight yet. Since God is the Author of life, I know I could never write an ending more perfect than the one He has in store. But let me tell you, patience is a lesson I‘m always learning as I wait for this life to be written.
In fact, we are eagerly anticipating life's next chapter: adoption! It's on our heart to adopt kid(s) through the WA_foster_system and we were finally approved to adopt & given our foster_care_license just over 2 weeks ago. We know this journey will come with it’s own ups and downs, but after everything we’ve been through already, we know we’ve got this. When the right kid(s) come along, it’ll be like we’ve always meant to be a family, but just took a little bit of detour to get to one another.
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